Do you feel supported in your grief or anxiety filled moments?
- 7 days ago
- 2 min read
I had spent months worrying about how I would ever be able to let them take Brock’s body after he died. But after about ten hours, I knew I was ready. I was deeply grateful for that peace that washed over me.
When they took his body down the three flights of stairs, they were having a difficult time. At one point they tipped him over on his side a little. I was standing watch as they put my lover’s body into a midnight blue minivan on a relentlessly hot Saturday afternoon.
How did my body contain this magnitude of pain and still remember to breathe? I wondered how his heart went still but mine defied logic by continuing to devote itself to a rhythm.
I thought crazy thoughts about throwing myself off the third floor… curious if I could hit my head on the tree on the way down. Brock’s mom, Paula, saw my anguish and despair and gave me a pill and some water and told me firmly, “take this”.
Anyone who knows me knows I rarely reach for medication. That day, I didn’t hesitate. I gobbled it down with no questions asked.
It was Xanax, and I do feel it truly saved my life that day. When Paula left to go home, she left me with 10-15 of those little life savers. This grief was a fire consuming my heart and I was quite scared of being engulfed and losing myself. I didn’t trust myself with the grief yet.
Carrying that pack of pills became a ritual. Every morning I'd move them from my purse into my hiking bag and every afternoon back again. I see how I was trying to create some sense of safety for my nervous system. I didn’t take the pills, I simply needed to know they were there.
One day it occurred to me what I needed was something I can carry around that creates that same safety feeling but is something I am actually willing to take. I thought of our tincture Inst-Calm. Now in my purse was Xanax AND Insta-Calm.
I started taking Insta-Calm when I felt anxious. It became something I reached for. Now, after 10 months of keeping those Xanax with me at all times, I am proud to say they are in my bathroom. I can’t totally say goodbye yet. But I no longer carry them with me anymore.
Brock and I started this apothecary with the hope and dream of being a resource for our community during rites of passages, season of life and that includes loss and grief.
I hope that you feel supported by us during your most sacred moments like pregnancy, birth, postpartum, miscarriage and loss.
Grief isn’t just about the death of your person, it is about loss and includes:
Break ups
A beloved pet
Financial insecurity
An injury that changes your body
When was the last time you felt a wave of grief? Share with me, I read every email!
Much love,
Christina
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